Who ever could have imagined a game called Luanna would ever bring a player to tears?
Starting out this game, I wanted so badly to win. I was gonna steamroll through everyone, cut throats like each slit earned me a 1000$ stipend, and in final tribal I was going to fondly look back at the bootlist and grin at all the blood I spilled one by one. I was prepared to make my name and also be completely prepared to be first boot of All Stars.
And yet, here I am, final 12 and miserably attached to my fellow castaways. I was supposed to be cold and steely. I was supposed to be Stephanie Balenciaga, a rich old latina broad ready to throw her wealth around in order to diminish her competition. Instead I am having tea and bonfires and making smores and scrapbooks. Nothing is as it was supposed to be, nothing turned out right.
My first move in this game was round one, saving Ozzy over the bacon loving Parvati. Before that, Matty was my main man. But after saving Ozzy, we slowly but surely grew until we were dependent of each other. Matty was swapped out of my tribe, and Ozzy stayed with me where we did nothing but grow closer and become the central figures of our new tribe. We were the two in the majority no matter what in our votes (along with Chelsea but ew.) We were inseparable.
While on that tribe, I also became tight with the bro himself Joaquin, who previously had very few connections. According to everyone he was a quiet, barely visible presence in the beginning, but after the swap he became charismatic and interesting. We were easily able to hold conversations and earn trust with each other. So, again, another close connection that was never supposed to happen. To an extent that's three, but the separation from Matty had mostly made that bond die down on my side. Regardless, I was supposed to have 0 real heartfelt connections. And here we are with multiple.
Another swap. This time I meet Cirie, John, and Sierra. Cirie I know from outside the game and I love her to pieces. Crystal from my first swap tribe and I come together in the knowledge of us needing each other to combat the pregame menace opposed to us, and with that comes a kind of connection that isn't as strong as the ones with ozzy/Joaq, but still presents me with challenges moving forward. And then... there's Sierra.
Without Ozzy on my tribe, and with Joaq being busy and mostly not around, Sierra had an easy task of infiltrating my already low-security heart. The cage that normally surrounds it and refuses to let anything in has been shattered, the bars torn down, and I can't stop fucking loving.
Sierra quadruples that. We connect. We more than connect. I love Sierra after two days of knowing her when I know Ozzy is going home on the other tribe, I know Sierra will be more than enough to keep me sane after my baby Ozzy leaves. She is kind, she is generous, she is amusing, she is by far the most in depth and complex person i've met in a game, and I can't stop talking to her about anything and everything. She puts chains back up around my heart, chains that only she has the key to. With Ozzy leaving, no one else matters and I am fine ruining my game for this blonde bombshell before my bitchy eyes.
And then you have to go and introduce Second Chance, and my world crashes. I want Ozzy back. I need him back. But it could literally ruin my game to have him back. I can't have two closest allies. I can't feel the same way about both of them. That's not going to be beneficial. If anything this can destroy not only my chances in this game but also the friendships I have so carefully procured.
And what does he do? He comes back. And he comes back to my tribe.
With him here, with him back by my side, I am so lost.
I am so lost and so torn and so fucking wrecked.
So, as soon as I get on AIM, Crystal comes to me very excited. She has the idol so this round will be easy. Smooth sailing. Vote out Sierra.
And yes, yes that is the best idea if we are combatting the pregame alliance, but I love Sierra. But I can't tell Crystal. Here is where my heartache this round truly begins, when I must start lying and sitting on the truth and breaking friendships that I didn't think I'd ever have.
Sierra wants to split the vote between Cirie and Crystal. I don't wanna do that. I don't wanna vote anyone. I want to selfvote but no one would forgive me for taking such a cowardly route. Hell, I wouldn't forgive me for that. But it's gonna be so hard to actually write someone's name down.
I had several deep talks with ozzy. Several with joaq. Several with Sierra. One convo with Cirie about how this vote will be easy. One more convo with Crystal about how everyone wants different things and she gets so upset bc it should be an easy round and I agree.
I am breaking. I haven't agreed to actually doing anything yet. I just keep talking in circles. I keep saying yeah that's a good idea, yeah that should work. I keep dying inside.
Literally I've never been more conflicted, more emotionally drained by an org. Never. I of course have made several tough decisions that will cut an ally out, but it never actually hurts. It's more like oops better hope they still like me on jury. Now I don't care about that. I just care about the people I'm potentially hurting, wtf is wrong with me.
Fuck.
Why did you turn Stephanie Valencia into such a tragic antihero? What did you do to curse me like this? My stomach hurts. I'm sweating.
Joaq and I discuss very in depth about what to do. He ultimately trusts Sierra more. I know this is because they know each other already. But I don't care. I trust Sierra more than Crystal too. But I feel so bad lying to Crystal. I already lied to her about where I was placing Ian on my list. Do I really have to keep up this string of lies?
Yes. Yes I do. And I fucking hate myself for it.
Eventually Joaq and I agree. We will do the split. I inform Ozzy, who then discusses deeply with me about how, after being on the other tribe, he agrees that it's probably best.
Honestly I can't say I think it's the best move for my game. In fact I think it's the worst. I think Sierra being voted out would be the smartest move for my game, but I seriously could not bring myself to do that. I couldn't do that to her.
And then we have a group chat about which two are voting which two. And Sierra freaks out because she thinks something is missing, she says she only wants this group chat as a means of discrediting if somehow she goes home and someone blames it on miscommunication. It can't be miscommunication if we all agree right there. ozzy isn't too happy about Sierra's emotional display and insecurity, I'm not too happy about any of it.
Sierra messages me that she's nervous. I say don't be. She says she feels unwell at my possible betrayal of her.
I tear up.
I am a mess.
Stephanie Valencia is far from happy. She is far from okay with the way this game is going. She is far from okay with her mental wellbeing.
When I get back on my anti-depressants I'm blaming you
Probst do you hear me?
I go invisible. I'm not ready.
I am not. ready.
Vote results.
Cirie freaks out.
I hide. I can't see her. I can't face her. I can't. She promised me the day before that she would do whatever I say. She was with me in this game.
I feel so sick. I can't be here anymore.
I go to bed.
....
Today nothing is different. I am still miserable. I am still forlorn. I still can't fathom this round. I'm making an enemy out of the African American race and I am not happy about it.
My stomach still hurts. I want it to stop.
Nothing ever stops.
EDIT: I have 212 posts so I am honoring that.
Ily <3