B.I.T.C.H.

[Stephanie]

Bitch, I'm The Classiest Hoe.




And that's probably the last time you'll hear anyone call me that for the duration of this game. Don't get used to it.




I don't have much to say because I've mostly been distracted entirely by Florence's new album. It's literally spectacular I haven't been able to stop listening to her emotional wailing. And all her videos are <3 Holy fuck I wanna be her.


Anyway. I'm not here to discuss musical genius (but I am shamelessly advertising for you all to go listen to her new album NOW.) I am here to kick ass, take names, and be a genuine asshole. <3


To start off being a genuine asshole: My tribe fucking sucks. Literally. It's a bunch of boring, basic, uninteresting, unpleasant people who have no personality and no energy and leave me with very little to work with. Amber makes me cry, and Ozzy just dries those tears with his pillows of patheticism. I just made that word up and I love it. Parv's only personality trait is liking bacon, and Jamie's way of typing has changed with each new AIM account he's made (three). The only two I remotely like are Ed and Matty. 


Matty is gonna be my number one on this tribe. I'm hoping to flip honestly come swap because these people are so so miserable to hang around. I can't keep them all game. No ma'am no ham no spam. But Matty.. he can stay. He's not exactly interesting but compared to the rest he's fucking Da Vinci. 


And then Ed is just a fucking sweetheart and I can't help but be endeared to his lack of english knowledge. He's trying so hard and I LOVE IT. He's adorable. He's like a little flying squirrel you find and stuff in your pocket because you don't wanna ever miss out on its cute widdle face. 


So we formed an alliance. And I let both of them tell me they wanted an alliance with us three and then made it, so that "it wasn't my idea but I solidified it" therefore making me the one who is obviously most loyal.


Which, I mean, I am... to an extent. But if the other tribes are more fun, I can see myself ditching the queens of quiet ASAP. No sleep lost.


Speaking of not losing sleep, the vote is for Ozzy tonight. Which is kinda sad because after I started writing this I kinda began to like him LOL but I ain't about to do no flipflopping round one. No sir. I gotta stay calmly MOR right now. Not OTTing or CPing anything yet. I don't want my neck on the line.


I do want a line of coke tho they got that in Luanne or wherever the hell we are? Welcome to LuEllen or Lucille or some shit. 


Whatever. I'm the best member of my tribe, whose name I still don't know. Nuvaring I think. These people's parents needed a damn Nuvaring to prevent birthing such basic bitches, lbr. <3


Ending mean sentences with hearts makes it cute right? 


Let's find out.


Savage is a fucking cunt faced potato looking asshole licking fuckface. <3 Cute, right? Cool.


Anyway, I'm gonna go cast my vote for who the fuck ever and make sure my alliance still loves me and make sure everyone else still loves me (even tho Jamie hasn't been on today that ho) and make sure I wash face because it's oily as hell right now it's gross ew.


Also go listen to Florence's new album. My fav song off of it is either Ship to Wreck or Which Witch. And it's yet to be seen which witch I am. West or East? Oh. Wait. I'm the bitchy green witch aren't I. Shit.

[Stephanie]

There's a rule that if you like my posts you must reply. I need content

[Fabio]

Jun 3, 2015 15:42:40 GMT Stephanie said:

Ending mean sentences with hearts makes it cute right? 


Let's find out.


Savage is a fucking cunt faced potato looking asshole licking fuckface. <3 Cute, right? Cool.

Rude

[Jaclyn Schultz]

Jun 3, 2015 16:32:19 GMT Stephanie said:

There's a rule that if you like my posts you must reply. I need content

Even tho I'm a total rebel I'll follow this rule, I enjoyed this greatly

[Stephanie]

So, here's how it all went down -

Ozzy gets on. Is all, man I don't wanna go home. I'm all man you are unless you can get the vote on Parv. He's all man I'll try. I'm all man okay.

Jamie gets on. Jamie asks me about vote. I say I heard either Parv or Ozzy. He said same. I ask what he'd prefer. He said Ozzy would be easier but he really wants to be here. I suggest that we should keep around players who want to be here over others. He agrees. He then suggests voting Parv, acts like it's a brand new idea that I didn't literally just put in his head. I act hesitant. For effect. Then agree.

Matty is on away. I message him. We both like Ozzy, so he's like cool. Ozzy and Jamie message him but he doesn't answer them LOL.

I go to work. I tell Matty to tell Ed, Jamie to tell Amber.

I get on right before vote, make sure everyone is voting Parv. They are. So I decide to leave my vote on Jamie to cause paranoia. Jamie would never suspect me since I was first to agree to "his" master plan of "blindsiding" Parvati.

But my vote wasn't posted. You asshole host you. What was the point of coloring a nice little heart on my vote if it wasn't going to even be shown. Jamie will never know he had a vote round one. How's he gonna be a paranoid mess if he doesn't know he had a vote.

Dammit host. Fuck you. <3 (Does that still make it cute?)

[Stephanie]

Oh. Forgot to mention.

I told Ozzy I got Jamie to switch and that means we can probably save him.

He says he owes me one.

I act all humble and modest and shit (two things I most definitely AM NOT) and say no, don't be silly, you don't owe me anything.

He says he does no matter what I say.

HE DON'T KNOW WHAT HE SIGNED UP FOR THE BITCH ABOUTA OWE ME A YORKIE AND A NEW CAR MOTHAFUCKA.

And a dvd of that sex tape Ozzy made bc I saw it once on the internet and woooooo-eeeee that man is HUNG for the gods.

[Stephanie]

On another note I'm going to the mountains this weekend (Leaving tonight) and I won't have much internet access. Think I can survive?

And I mean survive the shrooms trip I'm gonna be on, not the vote. I know I can survive that, psssh.

[Na Onka]

Please tell us about yourself trip afterwards and if it gives you some earth shattering insight into the game.

[Stephanie]

part of me really thinks that you cast me on a tribe with a bunch of soul sucking people who literally cannot hold a conversation to save their lives purely because you know that I am a social player and will be miserable.

kudos to you.

[Stephanie]

Okay so before I get into my trip I have to tell you all that my friend and I only talked in Ukrainian accents the whole weekend. When we got to the mountains first thing we did was get high, and then we started talking in funny accents... that led to whole characters, with backstories.. and it never stopped. We had people on the trails convinced we were foreign and needed assistance. I got a free granola bar from an old woman who thought my homeland was beautiful when she went in the 80s. We even made friends with the Ingles video rental guy who came over and smoked and drank and cooked with us.

So, I think if I can act that well, I should be able to act like my tribe isn't shit, right?

Wrong. I can't fucking pretend that whoever cast my tribe was completely unaware of how painful these people are. I bet the other tribes are having fun and having to scramble and backstab already. And I'm having to sit here doe eyed at the "competitors" around me.

On a positive note, Jamie has stepped up his game recently and we click well. Matty and I still are tight.

Edgardo is gone. I think he went to get some water but a lion must have eaten him or something. I distinctly remember hearing spanish accented screams but I could've been having another Enrique Iglesias fueled sex dream.

Amber is reminds me of a limp noodle. Like maybe it'd be fun to dip her in marinara sauce and sling her lifeless body around at people, but also I'd rather just leave her laying on the floor and let the dog lick her up.

Ozzy... why did I save you again? I'm very unsure. Maybe because I clicked on the Survivor Facebook page and saw all the moms asking why Ozzie wasn't on the second chance ballot? Or Malcolm and Rupert? And I just wanted to let the facebook moms have their spotlight for a small amount of time.

Time's up, bitches.

Can I just say I'm insanely ready for this fucking tribe dissolve coming up. If it doesn't happen I will cry. On another hand, if we never swapped tribes I would easily make final 2 of my tribe. No one is gonna vote me out. Edgardo goes next for being eaten by lion, then Amber/Ozzy. Interchangeably. Probably Ozzy since Amber seems better at challenges. Which is so funny because Amber > Ozzy at challenges is a total mindfuck.

Back to the mountains though. Did my shrooms trip shed some light on the castaways? Of course. Yes. Me walking through the mountains while hallucinating led me to think considerably about this game and specifically the people my tribe has been blissfully graced with. Of course.

No, NaOnka, I am sorry but all I can say is that I did see a really hot hispanic dude that was named Eduardo who I wanted to ride for a few hours but didn't get to because I had myself convinced that his dick would grow maracas inside of me and explode and all the little mexican beans would shoot through my body and leave me with tons of holes and I would be reduced to making bad puns about being holy for the rest of my miserable life. So if you count that as thinking about the game, sure. I thought tons about the game.

[Stephanie]

Probst are you ignoring me no liking without commenting rule again smh

[Stephanie]

To the judges - we put a lot of thought into the slogan especially considering Parvati had barely uttered a single sentence before her boot and apparently decided to be active for the first time all game right as results were posted, resulting in her saying "Assholes!" in the tribe chat before promptly being kicked out.

Also to the judges - looking at the Penisdo flag literally gave me a mild migraine and I now have to call my dealer for some oxy. Thanks a fucking lot. And the Barra flag was shitty too. You're all shitty. Why am I playing this game.

[Stephanie]

I confessionaled too soon.

This round has been chaotic as fuck. Ed emerged as a super villain telling everyone different lies and stories about each other and who everyone was voting. He pretended that he had confirmed a vote with many people when in fact he hasn't confirmed with anyone so when we talked to each other we were like wait wtf. And then he throws out that he has the idol and knows we are voting him... then he says he isn't using it bc he wants us to vote ozzy???

and then he apparently gets Jamie on board to vote amber? and gets ozzy on board to vote Jamie? and is trying to make a 3-2-1 split???

Seriously I'm so lost on this round and it doesn't help that I've been baked this whole time tbh.

I've been relaying everything with Matty and Jamie and to an extent Ozzy. The only thing I haven't told Matty is that Jamie told me he had the idol. I don't think telling people that would be good for me. I think keeping it a secret will prove to Jamie that I'm trustworthy.

I mean, I'm not. but let everyone think Ed is insane and playing everyone so no one remembers that that's my role.

But REALLY where did Ed get this spirit? Good casting choice. I change my mind on him. He adds shit. If only to be the lovable oaf round one and the supreme shit stirrer round three, he was a good casting choice.

[Stephanie]

Okay first of all why did you put me on this ugly ass green ass penisdo tribe?

Second why can Dylan James Nielsen never play alias like literally if you've ever played a single game with him you know exactly who he is in a minute. I already thought it was him based on his YASSSS but then a first conversation was like damn. This is the exact combination of strange and boring that always perplexes me when I talk to him. And then today he starts talking about how he's usually OTT and how he's in the f3 of a bb game where he pissed off all the jurors... YA BITCH I WAS ONE OF THOSE JURORS YOU FUCKING PIG

It's just my luck I'd be stuck on a tribe with him.

As long as he doesn't know it's me tho I'm good. He also showed me Ed's first confessional since it was public and like... THAT BITCH WAS FAKING BEING FOREIGN? WTF. WTFFFFF WTF.

THAT MOTHERFUCKER WENT FROM UTRP3 TO OTTN5 AND IT WAS PLANNED???

What the fuck.

[Stephanie]

on another note I fucking love Crystal Cox.