Post by Stephanie on Jul 22, 2015 12:34:27 GMT
Welcome one and all to B.I.T.C.H.: The Reunion Show! Am I pissed that Matty got his game show jury questioning thread in before my cheap reality tv reunion episode? I sure as hell am! But guess what? Bitch, I'm The Classiest Hoe! And that's been the case all season long, so why change now for some adorable dick on a cruise to ... Estonia? What kinda cruise goes to Estonia go to fucking Costa Rica you adamantly strange fuckhole. <3
But, like I said, this is B.I.T.C.H.: The Reunion Show. With me, Stephanie Valencia, host and star of Bitch, I'm The Classiest Hoe! Also the breakout star of The Survivor Games Luanne but that's another story.
BUT THIS IS MY SHOW SOOOOOO I CAN TALK ABOUT HOW I'M THE BREAKOUT STAR IF I WANT! And I will. Because I am. Have you ever seen anyone as amazing and endearing as myself? It's hard as shit to find someone with as many redeeming qualities as myself. I mean, I'm gorgeous, independent, hilarious, have a heart of gold and 20/20 vision with glasses on, and - most importantly - I'm modest as all shit! Don't you wanna just eat meout up?
Antywaysss.
This game was a fucking wild ride for me. I came in wanting to be this insanely villainous bitchess, I wanted to scalp everyone and leave them grasping for cheap dollar store polyester wigs, I wanted to be Stephanie BALENCIAGA and burn everyone else at the stake.
And as we all know, that didn't happen. I became attached to Ozzy and decided to save him that first round, with Parvati (whose only conversational piece was bacon) going instead. And that one round really changed the whole game for me. I just found a lot of people I really really liked. Following my tight bond with Ozzy, I formed a nice little alliance with Matty and Edgardo, both who I absolutely adored. Well, not Ed as much, and that fucking psycho changed my mind quickly, especially come tribe swap when I found out he WASN'T EVEN FUCKING FOREIGN. But I digress.
I began to play with my heart, something I advise against doing but something a lot of people seemed to do this game. It made for an interesting season, but also for a difficult one.
Which leads me to meeting Sierra.
I don't want to dwell on this, because I still don't really want to talk to you or think of you often. We made a finals deal as soon as the John vote was complete and I saw Ozzy was out. When my #1 went home, it was really okay, because I already had a new #1 ready. And in some cases, you were better.. no offense to Ozzy, but Sierra and I talked way more. We exchanged cell numbers and snapchats and talked all the time and sent pictures of us doing drugs to each other and I built a lot of trust super quick with you. Like. Super quick.
Then came the round Ozzy returned. And I literally cried that round. At the thought of having to send Sierra home, not just then but at any point in the game. That is the first time I have ever cried in an org and I have been playing these things since One World was on the air. Idk years because I'm lazy. But anyway. I cried. I had real, human emotions, and that's unusual for me in general. I don't get attached easily. I don't open up about things. But I did and that's why you voting me out hurt so much.
And then, to top it all off... I'm finally considering a possible final scenario without you in it, because from the way it looks you're not really wanting me there. So I'm finally considering it, especially with Joaquin's encouragement... but I decide no, I still want her there. She's literally my best friend right now. I couldn't do that. But I could and would vote Matty, especially since you are the one who first mentioned not wanting Matty in the end to me a few rounds prior.
And there I go. After countless promises and emotional conversations and swears that we'll stay true, you vote me out.
Which isn't the worst part. The worst part is that you lied about the idol to me for two rounds. After refusing to play the idols for several rounds because you guys had lied to Tom/Varner/Chelsea about who had them and didn't want to burn them.
But instead you burn me.
And honestly, writing this now is making me want to fucking punch something. I can't fathom how you could go on and on about crying at the thought of voting me out to lying to me an entire round in advance just to vote me out.
So. Fuck you, basically, is how I feel. And this reunion show is all about me and the conclusion to my story on this season, and my story was one of emotional turmoil constantly but bright and happy feelings once I met you. And then being betrayed by you, taking away all the progress I had made. So I can talk about whatever I want. But that's it for talking about you. I spent too much time on this segment when I could have been talking about something much more worth my breath and the audience's time, like puppies or the murder of Sandra Bland or Donald Trump's toupee. Or about how I have this weird hair growing out of a mole on my neck and I need to pluck it but I'm lazy and it bleeds when I pluck it anyway so ew.
You're kinda like that mole hair Sierra. One little pluck, but I bleed a fuckton.
Moving on! It's time for a word from our sponsors.
But, like I said, this is B.I.T.C.H.: The Reunion Show. With me, Stephanie Valencia, host and star of Bitch, I'm The Classiest Hoe! Also the breakout star of The Survivor Games Luanne but that's another story.
BUT THIS IS MY SHOW SOOOOOO I CAN TALK ABOUT HOW I'M THE BREAKOUT STAR IF I WANT! And I will. Because I am. Have you ever seen anyone as amazing and endearing as myself? It's hard as shit to find someone with as many redeeming qualities as myself. I mean, I'm gorgeous, independent, hilarious, have a heart of gold and 20/20 vision with glasses on, and - most importantly - I'm modest as all shit! Don't you wanna just eat me
Antywaysss.
This game was a fucking wild ride for me. I came in wanting to be this insanely villainous bitchess, I wanted to scalp everyone and leave them grasping for cheap dollar store polyester wigs, I wanted to be Stephanie BALENCIAGA and burn everyone else at the stake.
And as we all know, that didn't happen. I became attached to Ozzy and decided to save him that first round, with Parvati (whose only conversational piece was bacon) going instead. And that one round really changed the whole game for me. I just found a lot of people I really really liked. Following my tight bond with Ozzy, I formed a nice little alliance with Matty and Edgardo, both who I absolutely adored. Well, not Ed as much, and that fucking psycho changed my mind quickly, especially come tribe swap when I found out he WASN'T EVEN FUCKING FOREIGN. But I digress.
I began to play with my heart, something I advise against doing but something a lot of people seemed to do this game. It made for an interesting season, but also for a difficult one.
Which leads me to meeting Sierra.
I don't want to dwell on this, because I still don't really want to talk to you or think of you often. We made a finals deal as soon as the John vote was complete and I saw Ozzy was out. When my #1 went home, it was really okay, because I already had a new #1 ready. And in some cases, you were better.. no offense to Ozzy, but Sierra and I talked way more. We exchanged cell numbers and snapchats and talked all the time and sent pictures of us doing drugs to each other and I built a lot of trust super quick with you. Like. Super quick.
Then came the round Ozzy returned. And I literally cried that round. At the thought of having to send Sierra home, not just then but at any point in the game. That is the first time I have ever cried in an org and I have been playing these things since One World was on the air. Idk years because I'm lazy. But anyway. I cried. I had real, human emotions, and that's unusual for me in general. I don't get attached easily. I don't open up about things. But I did and that's why you voting me out hurt so much.
And then, to top it all off... I'm finally considering a possible final scenario without you in it, because from the way it looks you're not really wanting me there. So I'm finally considering it, especially with Joaquin's encouragement... but I decide no, I still want her there. She's literally my best friend right now. I couldn't do that. But I could and would vote Matty, especially since you are the one who first mentioned not wanting Matty in the end to me a few rounds prior.
And there I go. After countless promises and emotional conversations and swears that we'll stay true, you vote me out.
Which isn't the worst part. The worst part is that you lied about the idol to me for two rounds. After refusing to play the idols for several rounds because you guys had lied to Tom/Varner/Chelsea about who had them and didn't want to burn them.
But instead you burn me.
And honestly, writing this now is making me want to fucking punch something. I can't fathom how you could go on and on about crying at the thought of voting me out to lying to me an entire round in advance just to vote me out.
So. Fuck you, basically, is how I feel. And this reunion show is all about me and the conclusion to my story on this season, and my story was one of emotional turmoil constantly but bright and happy feelings once I met you. And then being betrayed by you, taking away all the progress I had made. So I can talk about whatever I want. But that's it for talking about you. I spent too much time on this segment when I could have been talking about something much more worth my breath and the audience's time, like puppies or the murder of Sandra Bland or Donald Trump's toupee. Or about how I have this weird hair growing out of a mole on my neck and I need to pluck it but I'm lazy and it bleeds when I pluck it anyway so ew.
You're kinda like that mole hair Sierra. One little pluck, but I bleed a fuckton.
Moving on! It's time for a word from our sponsors.
THIS IS A HEALTH SERVICES PSA WHEN PERFORMING ORAL SEX NEVER SWALLOW IT CAN LEAD TO STICKY RESIDUE CLOGGING YOUR BRONCHIALS AND YOU WILL NEED COTTON SWABS TO REMOVE SUCH SUBSTANCES
THIS HAS BEEN A PSA
So. Back to me. Not that it ever left.
Chelsea and Joaquin neither of you really warrant your own segments. Especially Joaquin, who I wasn't really mad at until reading the big Varner/Joaq thing in Matty's tribal council. All your talk about only wanting friends in the end only wanting TRUE friends in the end and you never mentioned me. And I was prepared to make this big angry speech about it but I did that to Sierra and honestly you didn't have enough screentime this season to warrant any big segments. I picture you as any character on Samoa that wasn't Russell Hantz when it comes to presence on screen. As in one confessional every five episodes or so. That's it.
But I really am pissed off that you have upheld this "only wanting true friends to make it far" thing and never mentioned me when I was pretty sure that we were friends but! Guess it takes knowing people outside the game to be considered a friend. Moving on from your inactive ass.
Chelsea, you were boring all game. You were kinda like Sherri from Caramoan except without the premerge control. You were just there. Coming into the game I wanted you out because you were a challenge threat, but as the rounds went on it was clear you weren't playing the same I've seen you recently.
You were definitely not Nicole Kidman. You were like Austin Mahone really. Boring. Gay. Irrelevant. That's about it, really. You were kept in the game so long not because of anything you did (because as many people have noted every move you listed was nothing that benefited you.) You're here because you were unnecessary and did nothing to really affect the game. You were there. You had nice tits. That's about all. Now, I will credit your last three rounds were better than anything else. But is playing well the last three rounds really enough? Probably not. I wish Nicole was here. Nicole would have won this game, she has no Kate to be 10x better than her.
Now we get to the fun part!
Resident goddess me has prepared a few little videos for you guys. If any of you know me at all, you know I absolutely fucking love Kesha. I've won a game as Kesha before. My All Stars nickname for that season was The Badass because I literally destroyed everyone and no one stood a chance against me. I. Love. Kesha. So, using that zoobe app, I made little snippets of Kesha songs that I feel relate to each of you.
Sierra Joaquin Chelsea
Following those amazing videos, I have a few questions, which truly will determine who I'm voting for. Because currently, my vote is nowhere. It's leaning towards someone, but I'm having a hard time wanting to vote for that someone based on a ton of things. So. Let's pick it up, ladies.
First off, address anything you'd like from my rants above.
Secondly, address my adorable rabbit videos.
Thirdly, I want a list of ten reasons why I am amazing. Chelsea, you may not use anything from your list as Nicole.
Next, list what you think everyone's overall edgics would be. Give reasons if you want.
Also, what's your favorite Kesha song? Relate that to me. Because I love Kesha. But also relate it to your gameplay.
Lastly, and this is important, I want you to tell me what you really think about me. I know I've been a bitter little bitch since my elimination, and I also know I would have won in the end and would have been glad to comply to any request from a juror. So reply to my request and give me the straight up truth. Don't be fake or I definitely won't vote you.
Oh, and one more thing.
I made this cute little image when we merged. It was based on who was relevant to me/how much screentime people would be getting. Obviously Joaquin needs to be smaller; I was biased because I thought we were friends. And Shane needs to be bigger because production has a boner for him than no one else seemed to have. In fact I'm incredibly flaccid around him. Just wanted to share.
And now the floor is open, dear viewers. Let's see those answers.
Chelsea and Joaquin neither of you really warrant your own segments. Especially Joaquin, who I wasn't really mad at until reading the big Varner/Joaq thing in Matty's tribal council. All your talk about only wanting friends in the end only wanting TRUE friends in the end and you never mentioned me. And I was prepared to make this big angry speech about it but I did that to Sierra and honestly you didn't have enough screentime this season to warrant any big segments. I picture you as any character on Samoa that wasn't Russell Hantz when it comes to presence on screen. As in one confessional every five episodes or so. That's it.
But I really am pissed off that you have upheld this "only wanting true friends to make it far" thing and never mentioned me when I was pretty sure that we were friends but! Guess it takes knowing people outside the game to be considered a friend. Moving on from your inactive ass.
Chelsea, you were boring all game. You were kinda like Sherri from Caramoan except without the premerge control. You were just there. Coming into the game I wanted you out because you were a challenge threat, but as the rounds went on it was clear you weren't playing the same I've seen you recently.
You were definitely not Nicole Kidman. You were like Austin Mahone really. Boring. Gay. Irrelevant. That's about it, really. You were kept in the game so long not because of anything you did (because as many people have noted every move you listed was nothing that benefited you.) You're here because you were unnecessary and did nothing to really affect the game. You were there. You had nice tits. That's about all. Now, I will credit your last three rounds were better than anything else. But is playing well the last three rounds really enough? Probably not. I wish Nicole was here. Nicole would have won this game, she has no Kate to be 10x better than her.
Now we get to the fun part!
Resident goddess me has prepared a few little videos for you guys. If any of you know me at all, you know I absolutely fucking love Kesha. I've won a game as Kesha before. My All Stars nickname for that season was The Badass because I literally destroyed everyone and no one stood a chance against me. I. Love. Kesha. So, using that zoobe app, I made little snippets of Kesha songs that I feel relate to each of you.
Sierra Joaquin Chelsea
Following those amazing videos, I have a few questions, which truly will determine who I'm voting for. Because currently, my vote is nowhere. It's leaning towards someone, but I'm having a hard time wanting to vote for that someone based on a ton of things. So. Let's pick it up, ladies.
First off, address anything you'd like from my rants above.
Secondly, address my adorable rabbit videos.
Thirdly, I want a list of ten reasons why I am amazing. Chelsea, you may not use anything from your list as Nicole.
Next, list what you think everyone's overall edgics would be. Give reasons if you want.
Also, what's your favorite Kesha song? Relate that to me. Because I love Kesha. But also relate it to your gameplay.
Lastly, and this is important, I want you to tell me what you really think about me. I know I've been a bitter little bitch since my elimination, and I also know I would have won in the end and would have been glad to comply to any request from a juror. So reply to my request and give me the straight up truth. Don't be fake or I definitely won't vote you.
Oh, and one more thing.
I made this cute little image when we merged. It was based on who was relevant to me/how much screentime people would be getting. Obviously Joaquin needs to be smaller; I was biased because I thought we were friends. And Shane needs to be bigger because production has a boner for him than no one else seemed to have. In fact I'm incredibly flaccid around him. Just wanted to share.
And now the floor is open, dear viewers. Let's see those answers.
!!!!!!!!!